I wouldn’t say that I’ve the best father in the world.

I prefer to say, “I miliki seorang Abah yang GILA SABAR, SANGAT SABAR dengan perangai anak dia sorang ni yang degil, keras kepala batu, rebel dalam mendidik for me to be better.”

Dulu masa zaman remaja, orang selalu kata “you are very lucky to have him as your father.” And deep in my heart, I denied it. “It’s bullshit.”

He is not perfect.
Abah adalah manusia yang juga buat silap.
Same goes with me as his daughter.

Wallahi, I grew up as rebel teenager. Having hattres towards my dad for 10 years!

Why?

Because I hate he was not there for me when I need him. I hate when he spent time more, outside with his friends like Ustaz-ustaz to learn religion compare with me.

Since darjah 3 until form 5, he never take any my book record. I also hate every December of the year, kami adik-beradik tak ke mana sebab he busy with his work. Kes-kes kat Mahkamah tak pernah cuti walaupun cuti sekolah.

Basically, perasaan tak sayang, benci tu dibina sebab I feel I don’t get enough love and time from him as father. And ada satu masa, he break the trust.

I still remember pernah cakap kat Umi bila I meletup like lava gunung berapi, “kak long kalau takde Abah pun, kak long boleh hidup la. What’s for dia ada tapi serupa macam tiada?”

Marah bila bercampur dengan egois…

Menyebabkan bila I belajar Universiti, I decided not to go back home walaupun cuti semester lama. Fikiran waktu tu, “why I need to spend time at home if Abah is not going to spend time with me?”

As usual, Umi yang selalu call tanya bila nak balik? I pulak always bagi alasan atau do something like ambik kelas-kelas tambahan so that I’ve strong argument untuk tak balik rumah.

That’s why closed friend said, “Hajar seem very nice girl and kinda soft hearted girl but dalaman, gila hati keras kedegak minah ni.”

Until at one point —
One of my mentors said to me, “Hajar, you can’t success in this life without settle the issue that you have with him.”

I macam “gila! Tak nak I confront dengan Abah. Nak bercakap dari hati ke hati, awkward wei.”

“Andai lelaki yang paling dekat dan rapat dengan kita pun kita tak boleh nak manage, ingat kita boleh manage lelaki kat luar atau yang bakal kahwin dengan kita?”

Fikir-fikirlah sendiri sampai bila relationship ayah-anak nak begini…

So, ni apa yang I mula buat to fix the relationship.

I baca buku Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus. Aha moment saat hadam buku ni. Serius, baru faham kenapa perangai Abah seperti Mr Fix Improvement.

Iaitu ketika kita as perempuan cerita masalah, usually lelaki akan bagi solusi untuk betulkan masalah tu.

Misalnya, “saya penatlah hari ni nak basuh baju kemas rumah.” Lelaki – “tak payahlah buat.”

😌 Walhal kita bukannya nak dia bagi solusi, we just want them to listen. Which is not their expertise to listen pun.

Juga I mula kenal buku 5 Love Language by Gary Chapman. Really mindblowing.

2 buku ni jadi pembuka laluan for me to engage back with Abah. Penting juga belajar psikologi ni.

I’m telling you —
It is not easy. It is darm hard for me to forgive him. I simpan kemarahan, dendam in my heart terlalu lama.

I questioned a lot why Abah tak boleh spend masa dengan I macam orang lain. Why Abah tak boleh spend at least 2 jam setahun untuk ambik my buku rekod. And etc.

So, bila orang tanya and admire looking how closed me and my dad right now… I don’t know how to say actually.

Sebab orang tak tahu, tak nampak apa yang terjadi sebelumnya. The hatress, the grudge, the full swing of emotions and all the fights, it is crazy!

For once, I even pernah habaq “kalaulah boleh pilih sesiapa untuk jadi ayah kita, I would choose other people to be my ayah.”

Sampai macam tu sekali. Tapi dah namanya kalau, semua mainan syaitan nirrajim. Mula dah emosi ikut nafsu diri tanpa landasan.

Now —
It is already 5 years after I started to reconcile everything with Abah.

We are still catch up. We are still learning. We are still trying to communicate and understanding each other better. It still not a perfect relationship father-daughter.

But I see he is trying, putting efforts to be a great father. Which is one of my responsibilities as daughter adalah bantu dia juga untuk jadi ayah yang lebih baik since I have knowledge in psychology and parenting.

Usaha untuk perbaiki relationship ni kena sama-sama sekali.

It is okay at first moment ni you start seorang. I tahu ia susah lagi-lagi bila melibatkan seorang ayah. Especially when our father is not our role model that he supposed to be.

Ketika mana anak-anak want the best and better relationship in life, but when the parents ergh…

Broken heart beb.
I’ve seen it.

Namun, you usaha je sambil belajar the right knowledge. Allah is there listening to your dua, together with your efforts.

Never ever give up on making the progress. Result, serah kat Allah saja. May Allah bless your journey in getting healthy relationship family.

Happy Father’s Day. ❤️

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